Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
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Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.