Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.