Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.