me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
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Please keep my family in your thoughts. Our microwave broke, and we have to wait an hour for a baked potato.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.