me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
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me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me