Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”