Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah