Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread