Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
twitter is a journey
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u