Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs