Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.