Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

😂

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Golf would be better with landmines.