ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
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My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.