Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.