Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
You Might Also Like
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.