Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys