Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

ㅤ

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

Look, I respect the skill. But no.