ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
do what now??
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Sticker placement is key.
