ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
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Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
mariah carrie
