Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.