Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

😂

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”