Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
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Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs