My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?