@hippieswordfish

Me: I’ll have the lasagna
Waiter: do you want bugs in that?
Me: what? No
Waiter: ok good that would be gross

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@Home_Halfway

[TV show]

CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer

BARTENDER: What brand?

CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before

@funnyordie

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

@iscoff

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

@kimi_collins

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

@IamJackBoot

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

@Vodkantots

My psychiatrist just described me as “not classically bipolar,” so apparently, I can’t even do mental illness right.

@KentWGraham

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

@CornOnTheGoblin

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

@JohnnyCrash5

If my dog barks at you we can’t be friends, also, I hate you too.

@HatTheButcher

Bad day at the hadron collider. Steven left his food in the machine and we accidently made a breakfast dimension. The life forms there are suffering greatly.