Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Oh yeh? Explain this then

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens