Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.