Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend: