@FredTaming

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

You Might Also Like

@hippieswordfish

‘sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.’

what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?

@MomOfTeen

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

@fowlerism

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

@ItsAndyRyan

Wife: Can you phone the school to see if it’s open?
Me: I’ll go there and ask
Wife: It’s ten minutes away
Me: I enjoy the walk
Wife: It’s SNOWING
Me: I will literally do anything to avoid making a phone call

@Stalker_Clown

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

@NervousJr

There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.

@Tmoney68

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

@_thatigirl

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.