me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

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‘sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.’

what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?


In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???


Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos


Wife: Can you phone the school to see if it’s open?
Me: I’ll go there and ask
Wife: It’s ten minutes away
Me: I enjoy the walk
Wife: It’s SNOWING
Me: I will literally do anything to avoid making a phone call


I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.


There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.


Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.


Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.