me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
You Might Also Like
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
This will never not be funny 😭
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!