ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
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Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Inside you there are two wolves
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*