ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents