ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
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TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party