Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd