if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
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Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help