me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
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Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
when nothing goes right… go left
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.