me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
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My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
this chia pet tastes awful
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants