Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.