Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

For those that worship cheese..

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”