Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

idk what he going thru but i feel him

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

Welcome

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.