Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
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[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis