Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.