Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

they see me scrollin

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.