“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them
Girl, are you a microwave? Cause I wanna put a baby in you.
Sign at gym says “Judgement Free Zone.” Lets see if they really mean it, I think as I pull a corn dog from my bra while doing the leg press.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”