me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

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“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs


Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them


Sign at gym says “Judgement Free Zone.” Lets see if they really mean it, I think as I pull a corn dog from my bra while doing the leg press.


How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up


My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago


“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz


KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.


As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”