me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.