me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Natural selection at its finest
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”