ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
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*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.