ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco