me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
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The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Huge if true.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow