Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
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“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
The legends speak of a third Duran…
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
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