Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
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Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi