Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.