Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

No, he would not have.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.