Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

🙂🙃🥹

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

🙀🙀🙀😹