Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

make up your mind

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

Well, this certainly took a turn