Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

all that yoga finally paid off

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice