Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch