Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?