Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
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“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
🤷♀️
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”