Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

What the hell happened here.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”