Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
🥲
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…