Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
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“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Sing it!
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
everyone please keep my 15 yo in your thoughts and prayers today. Because of a plumbing issue that isn’t fixed yet, he has to walk about 20 steps further to the next closest bathroom from his room. He is “sick of this crap”.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying