Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I feel seen.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.