Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.