Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
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I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
This joke is 7 years old
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread