Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.