Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
You Might Also Like
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone