Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
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Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly