Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.