Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

could’ve been anyone

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog