ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
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You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
