Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

there’s probably a fee though

I occasionally drink every single night.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.