Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
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You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.