Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

Rest assured?!

Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian