Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”