Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
*puts my mental health in rice
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot