Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.