Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.