Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

synchronized noseblowing

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.