Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

Don’t make me out nice you.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you