Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”