Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
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My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Still laughing at this stupid meme
why isn’t he texting back
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it