Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
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[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
There are no pants in heaven.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked